Why hello, June.

How’d you sneak in so fast? I’m going to go back through pictures, journal- and blog-entries to take a look at what God’s been doing in me this year.

Preparation - Summer

GEM helped prepare us with a week of orientation. Thinking back over the rest of the preparation time, I was really excited, but also I was sad. I was leaving behind some comfort, familiarity, trusted friends and family... I am still so grateful for the really good times I was able to spend with people before leaving. Thanks for being so great, friends and family! :)

Arrival - September

Look how short my hair was! Weird! I was so excited to be in Poznań! I spent about the first month getting over jetlag, getting to know my GEM-Poland team, and getting to know the city. I remember how completely exhausting it was at first. Being in a new culture, and especially living where you don’t know the language is difficult! Even fun things like visiting a museum and touring the city for a few short hours left me drained. Life lesson: transition is hard!

Settling in – October

October was a big month! I had to adjust to a colder, wetter autumn with lots more outside-time. I started my Polish class and met so many AMAZING people through it! I moved into the flat I share with my favorite pair of Polish sisters, learned about the importance of flowers in Polish culture, and thoroughly enjoyed the open markets and vegetable stands within a 5-minute walk of my front door! Oh, and I got lost several times, and took happy pictures when I finally found where I was going. :) See ul. Mostowa 7 picture, for example. :)

In my journal, this month was a lot about feeling inadequate, questioning myself, comparing myself, and seeking God through that. Not only was I thinking about His sovereignty, I was thinking about His role as our father. I wrote in my journal that God said to me one morning, “It’s okay for a child… It’s okay for you… to need and ask for your Father’s affirmation.” So, no guilt in asking for assurance or affirmation. Kids unabashedly request their parents’ approval. So should God’s children!

Holidays Galore! – November

The pictures below represent lots of holidays and fun times. All Saints Day, Independence Day, American Thanksgiving… The student-looking types are all wonderful folks from FoF. And last but not least… Theresa’s mom came to visit and we all tried on the realistic armor Michael used to play the part of a Polish King at school. It was heavy!

In November I was wrestling with how to view God, but also how to view my own sin. I journaled about guilt, more self-questioning, and- just as frequently- God’s faithful reassurance. Even though I constantly question, He constantly answers.

Celebrate – December

These are some of my favorite memories! Intense shopping experience for boots, followed by ICE CREAM! In the winter! I saw impressive ice sculptures. I received Mikołaj presents from my sweet roommates. I helped make gingerbread houses with some amazing people. I had fun times at FoF. Oh, and I was treated to the BEST birthday! Tiara included! I had to hustle to make a train because I love hanging out with Theresa and Melanie too much! Also- what’s with the picture on that tiny package of pumpernickel bread? Make a sandwich with this bread… it will be so sexy! Haha. Not to mention (because I apparently didn’t take any pictures) celebrating Christmas with the Mitts and Haenze families and making my first real snowman. Is it possible that it took me 28 years to make a real snowman?? I think so. Lisa definitely had more stamina for it than I.

The month of December brought lots of fun celebrations (high highs)! And some hard news in my family, including scary news about my sister-in-law and brother’s baby Joshua being at-risk when Lucy was 26 weeks pregnant. (Very low lows.) It was only the beginning of me being very emotionally up-and-down. December was also the beginning of questioning in a new and deeper way the idea of hell and judgment. It’s really hard to think that I actually deserve hell, or that someone I love may actually go there. Is it good to proselytize? Is it even okay? Starting in December I really battled this. Meanwhile, though, I was learning more about fasting and started incorporating it regularly into my life, thanks to a really great prayer partner. :)

Happy New Year! – January

I spent New Year’s Eve with one of my favorite people- Julia, in a very cool city- Heidelberg, Germany. Excitement!! We stayed at Steffi’s hostel. Admittedly, mainly for the name and good location, but it worked out. I can recommend it! I saw a miniature German Christmas market, explored the castle and old town of Heidelberg, and thoroughly enjoyed watching the taxi driver just sitting reading the paper amidst the crazy chaos of New Year’s fireworks. January allowed time for a brief visit to Warsaw and a really great afternoon with Christina, Julia’s sister!

Unfortunately, January also brought a precipitous drop in blogging. Like, to zero. From which I never recovered, really. Which is a shame. I didn’t want to stop communicating… that was not my intention! But also, it means I didn’t process through things in the same way. And I don’t have a record of what was going on internally. My journal entries from January are also sparse. One thing I wrote about in my journal was reading through Matthew. I felt challenged by the Sermon on the Mount… Jesus says some drastic things. (Pluck out your eye? Cut off your hand?) One thing I’m sure of… All the things that started in December- big highs and lows, questioning God, struggling to have healthy habits, reading Matthew… all that continued.

Sunshine and Shadows - February

Look at all these blessings piled up in February. The hottest sleeper train ever, Siggy! Kraków, yummy food, dragons, Kórnik with Ina, friends, FoF, and travels with Theresa. She loves photos with cool shadows, like the one below with the shadow of a horse-and-rider statue, cast on a nearby building. When I look through our Kraków pictures, I see a theme of bright sunshine and unusual shadows. I think that nicely sums up the theme of February for me. The other big event from Kraków was my visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau. That, too, was a day full of beautiful sunshine, with a dark shadow cast by the unimaginable fact that 70 years ago, an industrial killing camp existed there.

February was full of joy, but was also a really hard month. For me and for the whole GEM Poland team- the other three households had unexpected travel back to the States due to loss or illness in the family.

And sadly our family experienced a big loss too. My nephew Joshua was born on February 28 and lived for only a few short hours. I was so sad to not be there. I was privileged to be included by phone and to hear my family praying and singing together. My wise and beautiful sister-in-law, Lucy, has taught me so much about the Lord, and I know she will be grieving this loss for a long time. I pray frequently for Chris and Lucy. I can’t wait to see you both and give you big hugs!

 

When in Doubt… - March

Looking back through February and March, I was writing a lot in my journal, seeking ideas from a lot of sources, and thinking. A lot. I was wrestling with big issues, though I never became coherent enough to communicate them to others. Even now I’m struggling to figure out what was (and is) in my head. But… here’s an attempt.

At first I was questioning the church, and how we “should” live as Christians. I was influenced by a friend who had experienced the church as a very us-versus-them organization. A club of insiders who wanted to keep out the unworthy. Or urgently invited in the outsiders, but had a long list of required changes for them to conform to before they could be “inside.” I had to admit that there are many outside the church who live generous, loving lives and many inside the church who hurt others deeply. When I visited Auschwitz, I realized that one brand of us-versus-them mentality had been taken to the extreme there. Gas chambers, crematoriums and enormous death camps were the result. I was also reading more about abuse in the world and realizing my apathy. I simultaneously wanted to stop being apathetic and felt so overwhelmed that I didn’t want to proceed.

I suppose if I boil it down, I was questioning God’s goodness. If the church is His body, which He loves and transforms into His holy bride… Where’s the transformation? If I’m His child who He is transforming to be like Him, where’s my transformation? Why do I still struggle with my own personal casino shacks, which are clearly not attractive, fun, or profitable? God would reassure me, the bible would answer a doubt, and the very next time I wrote in my journal I would again be questioning. On I wrestled.

It built into a new kind of doubt. I went from questioning God’s goodness, to actually doubting His existence. I read the account of the transfiguration in Matthew 17 and I just thought it seemed so crazy to believe it really happened. I wondered if all my assurance in the past had more to do with emotional experiences rather than sound reason. I had to admit I might have other motives for believing in Christianity other than its reasonableness. Maybe I felt accepted in the culture of church, and I liked the approval my relatives and church friends would give me. I heard some of the arguments from Richard Dawkins’ book God Delusion and it made a lot of sense. I read More than a Carpenter’s line of reasoning for the intellectual merits of believing Jesus, and I just couldn’t really accept it all.

Which, basically, freaked me right out. I’ve based my life on my belief in Christ. It felt absurd, exhausting, and terrifying to even be able to ask such questions. In the past I hadn’t been able to really question God’s existence. Obviously, I could conceive of the idea, but I had never been able to allow it to penetrate my mind. It only took signing up as a missionary for me to doubt God’s existence. What now?

It finally built to a crescendo, and I had to confide in someone I was afraid to tell- Theresa. A few hours later, without fanfare or emotion, I believed again. I couldn’t help it. I would try to think of my doubts, and they, again, didn’t penetrate. The shield was back up.

What a relief. I could pray again. I was not in turmoil anymore. And a couple of days later, God made my assurance deeper by unexpectedly speaking to me on a tram. First a glimpse of a beautiful blue sky with puffy cumulus clouds gave me a thrill unexpectedly. Then I was listening to my iPod on shuffle, and a song from the Christian Contemporary genre played. Forgive me, but often I skip this song if it plays. I often find it saccharine. This time, I let it play, and the lyrics (which were about Jesus conquering sin and death and saving me) overwhelmed me with their truth. I was astounded by His beauty. I think normally I don’t meditate too long on these truths because they seem too wonderful, too lofty, too good to be true. But in that moment, I saw the truth of it. And God gave me a deep thrill and simultaneous rest in my heart. I’ve experienced God’s peace and joy before, at other “tent-peg” moments. These were the moments I kept looking back to and questioning if they were just religious emotionalism. So God let me have a few days of emotionless assurance, and then He bowled me over with the deep joy and peace He wants for me.

In the meantime, we had quite a busy month. We had a team of high school students from Lubbock come for a short trip. We held an event called Bake to Bless, where we made hundreds of cookies, packaged them and handed them out. We welcomed a new team member. (Shoutout Natasha!!) And then? ESPANA! Sorry, Stace, I don’t have the tilde. You know what makes me happy, though? A ton of Staci plus Steph pictures in my photo collage. Even the obnoxious ones I made you take a ton of in Castellon. I was just excited to be there, okay? Pasion por Castellon!

Spring is in the Air! - April

More celebrations! Easter! Just after Easter, my sister came to visit me. We spent a few days in Poznań, then made our way to Prague. What a beautiful city! Plus we had the coolest hostel ever. Other April highlights included spending some time with the lovely Niina and Ellen (though never enough, sadly) and scrabble at a pub (in Polish!). Also, my dear friend Purva got married! Congratulations! I wish I could have been there to celebrate with you!

May

So since then, I’ve been assured of God’s love (true), and I’ve had no problems (slightly untrue). Here’s the thing. I had this big, important experience with God. And I had some incredibly great times with my sister. And I had lots of other really great things to be excited about.

However, then I had to leave my sister (sad!), and I had to realize that it was May (now June!) and I did not have a plan starting in July. And like I mentioned way back in December, everything has been a bit heightened for me here. Emotional rollercoaster might be a fitting way to describe it. After returning from Prague, I was overwhelmed, and checked out of life for a few days. I am so grateful to a ton of great friends who worried about me and pulled me back together. You got me through the rough patch at the beginning of the month, so I could enjoy all the beautiful things coming my way for May! Book club with Karen! Camping in Gniezno at the PIC ALIVE retreat! A fun day away with Theresa and Lisa! Model of the Santa Maria at 1/5 scale?? Who knew?!

 

And Beyond!

So, one thing I would say after reviewing all this hulabaloo is that God is very patient with me. And so are you if you’re still reading. Seriously, going back through my journal is kind of painful, because there’s this really amazing pattern of me questioning, God assuring. Me whining, God answering. Me lacking trust, God being totally faithful. It’s a great encouragement to me to see how much God has spoken into my life this year. Somehow it’s easy to forget.

So… The question everyone will ask… WHAT NOW?? Well, first I have to finish packing. Then I get to be a tourist in Italy! Then, only God knows. I will be back in the DFW/OKC areas for the summer. After that is yet to be determined. I have some exploring to do, and I’ll keep you posted.

Grace and peace be with you all!